Okay? Okay. ~ My Feeling Heart

Okay—a four letter word that often serves as the easiest answer to almost anything. It is a word said by most of us when faced by a situation that entails an immediate response, a word that sounds way better than a hollow yes or a harsh no. Mr. Merriam and Webster defines it as something fairly good; while Mr. Oxford defines it as something that's tolerable.

Simply put, okay is not a neutral word. In actuality it is a term of acceptance, a term for settling over something that may not be the worst, but is certainly not the best either. In short, it is a term used to agree over something that's just good enough.

"Wala na, tinapos ko na."

He's gone. It's ended. He's not coming back. Was him ending everything like... "hey-we're-just-cooling-it-off-but-i'll-tell-everybody-else-i've-already-ended-it" something I should accept as "just good enough"? Because that. hurt. Telling me we should prove ourselves to one another, that we should better ourselves, make friends, be friends, and then afterwards we could probably start again all while telling everybody else we're done, hurt. A lot. Especially that he was a 'first' love...

Image via Destroying.

For the past few days after that cold December night, after a few days of crying and refusing to think any longer, I thought I was already fine. It's over. No matter how much I run away from it, it's still something that I eventually have to deal with, so I've been honestly trying my hardest to be okay with it... but seeing him around knowing that he seems more than okay right now—having pictures with friends/some other girls he know, talking and laughing with everybody else as if nothing has happened—and here I am, just okay, continues to pain me... like being stabbed right here over and over and over again. He's gone, I'm haunted, and he is just fine... Did I make it that easy to walk right in and out of my life?

Tauriel: "If this is love, I do not want it. Take it from me. Please. Why does it hurt so much?" —The Hobbit; Battle of the Five Armies

So that's how it feels like, falling in love for the very first time...

Image via Infinite Lyric.

But yeah, I guess there may be more to this than just... this. They say it's okay not to be okay at times, so in the meantime, I hope and pray for the courage to accept my being un-okay at the moment, and tell myself that it's okay if I'm alone. It's okay if I'm lonely and vulnerable. It's okay if I'm easily hurt, and it's okay if I feel so so much. It's okay if I'm sad, as long as I remind myself that it's not permanent.

It's not permanent for this state too, shall pass. As the old saying goes, it always does. So I'm betting it's okay too if I hate the hurt now because I know that eventually, I'll forget all about it later... and when that time comes, I'm going to remind myself that tomorrow, it sure is gonna be more than okay.