You Learn

By Jorge Luis Borges

After a while you learn the subtle difference
Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,
And you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning
And company doesn’t mean security.

And you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts
And presents aren’t promises,
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes open

With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child,
And you learn to build all your roads on today
Because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain for plans
And futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.

After a while you learn…
That even sunshine burns if you get too much.
So you plant your garden and decorate your own soul,
Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.

And you learn that you really can endure…
That you really are strong
And you really do have worth…
And you learn and learn…

With every good-bye you learn.

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TAGS: Heartbreaks, Love & Relationships, Poems   Edit

Okay? Okay.

Okay—a four letter word that often serves as the easiest answer to almost anything. It is a word said by most of us when faced by a situation that entails an immediate response, a word that sounds way better than a hollow yes or a harsh no. Mr. Merriam and Webster defines it as something fairly good; while Mr. Oxford defines it as something that's tolerable.

Simply put, okay is not a neutral word. In actuality it is a term of acceptance, a term for settling over something that may not be the worst, but is certainly not the best either. In short, it is a term used to agree over something that's just good enough.

"Wala na, tinapos ko na."

He's gone. It's ended. He's not coming back. Was him ending everything like... "hey-we're-just-cooling-it-off-but-i'll-tell-everybody-else-i've-already-ended-it" something I should accept as "just good enough"? Because that. hurt. Telling me we should prove ourselves to one another, that we should better ourselves, make friends, be friends, and then afterwards we could probably start again all while telling everybody else we're done, hurt. A lot. Especially that he was a 'first' love...

Image via Destroying.

For the past few days after that cold December night, after a few days of crying and refusing to think any longer, I thought I was already fine. It's over. No matter how much I run away from it, it's still something that I eventually have to deal with, so I've been honestly trying my hardest to be okay with it... but seeing him around knowing that he seems more than okay right now—having pictures with friends/some other girls he know, talking and laughing with everybody else as if nothing has happened—and here I am, just okay, continues to pain me... like being stabbed right here over and over and over again. He's gone, I'm haunted, and he is just fine... Did I make it that easy to walk right in and out of my life?

Tauriel: "If this is love, I do not want it. Take it from me. Please. Why does it hurt so much?" —The Hobbit; Battle of the Five Armies

So that's how it feels like, falling in love for the very first time...

Image via Infinite Lyric.

But yeah, I guess there may be more to this than just... this. They say it's okay not to be okay at times, so in the meantime, I hope and pray for the courage to accept my being un-okay at the moment, and tell myself that it's okay if I'm alone. It's okay if I'm lonely and vulnerable. It's okay if I'm easily hurt, and it's okay if I feel so so much. It's okay if I'm sad, as long as I remind myself that it's not permanent.

It's not permanent for this state too, shall pass. As the old saying goes, it always does. So I'm betting it's okay too if I hate the hurt now because I know that eventually, I'll forget all about it later... and when that time comes, I'm going to remind myself that tomorrow, it sure is gonna be more than okay.

Image via Bright Drops.

Okay? Okay.

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TAGS: Heartbreaks, Love & Relationships, Random Musings   Edit

Love Is.....

When you cut your favorite collectors item magazines so you could use it in creating personalized birthday cards.

When you ditch an episode of your favorite drama/anime, or drop the entire season, just so you could spend your time with him instead.

When you keep and collect movie tickets, tissues, and other such trash at the end of a date... and plan to make a scrapbook out of it.

When you plot to (and do) hide notes and whatnots to surprise and show affection that you just can't possibly form into words.

When you fight sleep, or run stores for internet load in the middle of the night, just so you could do a favor he's asked.

When you make up a thousand of reasons to do work for him by chance, because you know he might be tired and is probably needing rest.

When you turn a blind eye over faults and shortcomings, and try to understand (and accept) that it's probably just one of those mood swings again... or your individual differences kicking in.

When you disregard your own feelings and circumstances just to be with that one person—not minding if it isn't that convenient, or if it's getting really late and you have classes very early in the morning the next day—because you want to be with that person... because he's a priority... and because his happiness is more important than your own.

Love is all this and more... though sometimes, it just ain't good enough. But in the end it probably doesn't matter, for love is...

When you still think of him and his well-being, and pray for him... even after he breaks your heart.

Because yes, love is a lot like watching a 20-minute firework display. Exciting. Emotional. Romantic. Sweet. Memorable. And even though it also ends as dramatically as it began—fading slowly into thin air, leaving a starless night—love is when it still feels like summer in your heart... in spite of all the heartaches, in spite of all the pain... for even though sometimes it had been hard and heartbreaking, at some point in time, it still has been one of the most wonderful things to ever happen in your life.

Utakata Hanabi

うたかた花火

The Transient Fireworks

The festival at the end of August was lively and overflowing with people 

I put on a yukata and geta 

Making clanking and clicking sounds 

When the two of us looked up at the suddenly risen fireworks 

I secretly stole a glance of your face watching them in a trance

Although it would be better if I'd come to hate you 

On a day like today 

I'd remember you again for sure

Not knowing these kinds of feelings would have been great  

Although we will now never meet again  

I want to, I want to see you 

I still think of that summer day when you were with me

If we grew a little tired, we'd sit down on the roadside 

Listening to the distant sound of the orchestra 

The whistling sounds and strings reverberating  

A brocade cap bloomed bigger and bigger in the night sky 

Summer will end in a little while 

It suddenly becomes painful

I launched my reversed heart 

Laughing "ahaha" and 

Saying "I love you"  

We kissed

I'll forget all about you now  

This is just too sad  

Why must we have met? 

If I close my eyes 

It'll be like you're there even now

Sweet sighs 

Tinged with a slight fever, I was in love with you 

In that voice and in those eyes  

If I notice, time is passing by 

But I'll still search for a trace of you

I looked up at the fireworks all by myself 

Making my heart prickle with pain 

Very soon, the next season  

Will arrive  

I had watched the transient fireworks with you 

I still think of that summer day when you were with me

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TAGS: Heartbreaks, Love & Relationships, Random Musings   Edit