Sunday, February 7, 2010

The Epitome of Confusion

(It couldn't get any clearer.)

Be brave. Take risks. Nothing can substitute experience.

Yeah right, easier said than done. Or at least that’s how I feel things are right now… And that, I blame to the doubts—plenty of them to be exact. There are so freaking plenty of them that I don’t really know where else to put the extras that I have!

Funny, isn’t it? Especially when I know that this isn’t like me at all. Hey, I’m not the type of person who easily gives up on anyone or anything. I’m a born fighter! I know I can do better than this. I still have a lot more things to learn… And a lot more room to grow. I know there’s so much more to this and I really don’t understand why the hell this “so much more” is just so hard to grasp.

That being said, I have always wished, even prayed really hard, for me to be given signs. Signs that would guide me onto a decision and would help me determine if I should continue with this or not. But even so I had these signs become existent, it didn’t really make me feel any more okay… Just plain doubtful. More like enlightened and enthusiastic one minute, then confused and disheartened the next. It’s like I am at zero and is trying hard to be on a positive side but just crumbles into pieces. It’s like I am stuck. Stuck and scared. And I hate it.

Gah. It just gets pretty disturbing each day, really… Is it all in the mind? I can’t think straight anymore.

PS. I do not need unsolicited advice... Well at least, not at this point. I do not need anyone to talk to me and say "It's okay blah blah" to everything I have in mind. It wouldn't work, because I don't think that's what I need right now. Don't tell me to stop feeling this way either. You haven't experienced the things I've been going through so don't dare compare yourself to me. What I need is patience and understanding. And yep, probably some more time to think, think and think.

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